So it’s back

When I talk about my depression, or BPD, or everything else that’s wrong with me, I talk about it frivolously. I talk about how I know how to cope with it. I’m used to living like this. And how I know I’m going to stay stuck here forever.

But when I truly feel it, it’s a completely different story. It’s like all the air is sucked out of my lungs, and it doesn’t come back for days and days and days in a row. My mouth feels dry and my head is as heavy as a rock. My mind is telling me to stop, constantly. Thing is, it doesn’t, ever. It goes on and on and on with same thought. STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP.

It never does.

So here I am. Writing about it one more time. My way of getting it out of me. I might as well say it all.

First, I’m gonna start by talking directly to some of the people who affect me the most.

To M. For all the time and space he took from me. For the countless months we’ve been joking around like it’s nothing, when it’s not. 

I can’t blame you for what you do. I can’t tell you off because you’re exactly like me. Except you’re happy with it, and I’m not. I wish you could stop and think. I wish you cared about me, even if it was just a tiny bit. I wish you would want me and think of me as much as I think of you. But you won’t change and I won’t care enough to try it. So we’ll keep playing our game, every other week, every other month. Our casual game of secrets and car talks that last until sunrise. Our drunk nights together and mornings spent trying to wake you up. We’ll keep playing, and I’ll keep sinking.

To J. For the stupidest one night to remember I’ve ever had. 

I don’t even know your middle name. I don’t know your birthday, or what kind of food you like. I met you for 16 hours and that was enough for my heart to drop when I think of you. Thing is, this NEVER happens to me. I don’t need you and you know perfectly you don’t either. I shouldn’t even have texted you. But you did exactly everything you shouldn’t that night. You did the right thing with the wrong girl. And now you’re off with your life, as I usually am, not even thinking about that one random drunk night with just one more girl. But me? I’m here. Stuck with my obsessing mind and my anxious heart.  I wish I had never met you.

For me

Maybe it’s because I’m lonely. Or unhappy. Or bored or whatever else I can be. But this feeling kills me. The feel that nobody likes me, or ever will.

 

Lost

When you live with mental illnesses you get used to having some good days amongst many bad ones. The problem comes when the good days are too many and you forget how bad they can get.

Today was the worst day of 2017 so far. It was the first day that really made me remember the feeling of being stuck at the bottom, of having no purpose or utility, of not wanting to wake up. Today I felt like the loneliest girl in the world. I cried, I isolated myself, I refused to talk to anyone. I don’t want to eat, read, or watch any show. I can’t get up to go for a walk or just to get some fresh air. I lost the hability to enjoy everything that I loved. And I feel like it’s never gonna change.

I’m never gonna change.

5 Historical Fiction Books I Need To Read ASAP

1. Die Brücke (The Bridge) by Manfred Gregor6380881

“May 1945. Somewhere in Germany. Only a few days before the capitulation. Seven Hitler-youth, who’ve been stuck into Wehrmacht uniforms, are deployed to defend a bridge of no strategic significance, equipped with nothing more than a few carbines and bazookas. Abandoned by their senior officer, helplessly torn between a thirst for adventure and a confused belief that they must save the Fatherland, they take up the futile struggle just as the American tanks roll in.”

My dad recommended this to me knowing about my love for WW2 Historical Fiction, and told me it was one of the books that stuck with him his whole life. Can’t wait to get into it!

 

2. Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

“Dr. 130440Yury Zhivago, Pasternak’s alter ego, is a poet, philosopher, and physician whose life is disrupted by the war and by his love for Lara, the wife of a revolutionary. His artistic nature makes him vulnerable to the brutality and harshness of the Bolsheviks. The poems he writes constitute some of the most beautiful writing in the novel.”

Also about my other love – Soviet History and Russian Literature – my mum recommended this one. And, with one of my resolutions being to read more poetry, I think this one will do the job perfectly.

 

3. All the Light we Cannot See by Anthony Doerr | Currently Re18143977ading It

“Marie-Laure lives with her father in Paris near the Museum of Natural History, where he works as the master of its thousands of locks. When she is six, Marie-Laure goes blind and her father builds a perfect miniature of their neighborhood so she can memorize it by touch and navigate her way home. When she is twelve, the Nazis occupy Paris and father and daughter flee to the walled citadel of Saint-Malo, where Marie-Laure’s reclusive great-uncle lives in a tall house by the sea. With them they carry what might be the museum’s most valuable and dangerous jewel.

In a mining town in Germany, the orphan Werner grows up with his younger sister, enchanted by a crude radio they find. Werner becomes an expert at building and fixing these crucial new instruments, a talent that wins him a place at a brutal academy for Hitler Youth, then a special assignment to track the resistance. More and more aware of the human cost of his intelligence, Werner travels through the heart of the war and, finally, into Saint-Malo, where his story and Marie-Laure’s converge.”

Even though I’m already reading this one, I thought it belonged here because I had been on the hunt for it since the beggining of last year! For now, all I can say is: Beautiful!

4. Schindler’s List by Thomas Keneally

“During t375013he Holocaust at the German concentration camp near Plaszow, thousands of Jews lost their lives at the hands of the Nazis. More than a thousand others would have been counted among the dead if not for a womanizing, heavydrinking, German-Catholic industrialist and Nazi Party member named Oskar Schindler.

One of the most remarkable narratives of the Holocaust, Schindler’s List masterfully recreates the daring exploits of Schindler, who used his enormous fortune to build a factory near the concentration camp and saved the lives of over 1,300 Jews. An absorbing, suspenseful and moving account of Oskar Schindler’s legacy of life, this is an unforgettable audio program.”

Of course I know this story, and of course I have seen the movie. But I think reading it will bring even more feelings that will make the experience 5 times better.

 

5. The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah

“Despite their differences, sisters Vianne and Isabelle have always been close.21853621
Younger, bolder Isabelle lives in Paris while Vianne is content with life in the French countryside with her husband Antoine and their daughter. But when the Second World War strikes, Antoine is sent off to fight and Vianne finds herself isolated so Isabelle is sent by their father to help her.

As the war progresses, the sisters’ relationship and strength are tested. With life changing in unbelievably horrific ways, Vianne and Isabelle will find themselves facing frightening situations and responding in ways they never thought possible as bravery and resistance take different forms in each of their actions.”

I’m probably one of the few WW2 lovers that has yet to read “The Nightingale”. Finally bought it, so I’m ready!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Made You Up by Francesca Zappia | REVIEW

17661416Made You Up by Francesca Zappia
Genre: YA. Contemporary, Mental Illness
Pages: 448
Format: Hardcover
Source: Goodreads 

“Alex fights a daily battle to figure out the difference between reality and delusion. Armed with a take-no-prisoners attitude, her camera, a Magic 8-Ball, and her only ally (her little sister), Alex wages a war against her schizophrenia, determined to stay sane long enough to get into college. She’s pretty optimistic about her chances until classes begin, and she runs into Miles. Didn’t she imagine him? Before she knows it, Alex is making friends, going to parties, falling in love, and experiencing all the usual rites of passage for teenagers. But Alex is used to being crazy. She’s not prepared for normal.

Rating: starstarstarstar

Continue reading “Made You Up by Francesca Zappia | REVIEW”

15 Day Letter Challenge – day 2 – DEAR PERSON I LIKE

Dear person I like,

I like you and I shouldn’t. I like you and it hurts me that I do, because you don’t. But it was since the first day we met that I knew something was going to happen to me in a way that it never did. I can’t say I fell in love, because thank god I didn’t, but I fell in like with you. With you and all the things you do. The way you touch me like no one ever has. The way you put your hand behind my head so it doesn’t hit the wall. The way you tucked me under the covers and hugged me when I was crying. The way you smell, and you talk, and you confort me, and make me angry at the same time. I like you because of all those things, but I hate you at the same time. Because it’s not fair that you disappear after making me feel this way, it’s not fair that, when I’m finally forgetting, you show up. And that when you show up you always come back. I hate you for coming back, but I like you for being there.

 

15 Day letter challenge – Day 1 – DEAR PERSON I HATE

Dear Person I Hate

I want to start off by explaining why I hate you. I hate you for constantly breaking my heart, and for doing it carelessly. I hate you for hurting my mind and my body, for making me an addict to so many bad things, for killing pieces of me I’ll never get back. I hate you for all the sleepless nights, all the nightmares and all the tears. And I hate you because I am supposed to love you.

I want to finish, by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t control you and handle you. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stop you, to keep you away. I’m sorry I still can’t help you or change you. But most of all, I’m sorry for not loving you, for constantly breaking your heart, carelessly, for hurting your mind and your body, for the addictions you got and the pieces you lost, for the sleepless nights and all the nightmares.

Sorry for being you.

I hate you, because you’re me.

My Mental Illness Story

Mental Illness Awareness Week was a few days ago, and reading all the stories made me think that maybe sharing my own story was something that I needed to do.

My story began when I was 12 years old, I was in Middle School, and I had always been a popular and friendly girl. My school was Catholic, so I was used to pray everyday. Everything was going well until this girl, maybe out of jealousy, started bullying me, calling me mean names and turning everyone against me. I started going on such a bad path, I didn’t want to go to school, and the thing I remember the best was that when I prayed, I prayed for things to turn out the other way around. This means that if I wanted to go somewhere, I would pray for not to go. It went on for more than one year, and this was my first experience with depression.

The next chapter, and probably the worst one so far, happened when I was 16 years old. I had been in a relationship for 2 and a half years, my first love, and still to this day the biggest love of my life. We ended things in a bad way, and the fact that I was so young and naive made everything seem even worse. It came to a point where I couldn’t leave my bed for weeks, I would think every night that I didn’t want to wake up the next day, I lost 30 lb and most of my friends. When I would leave the house it would be either to smoke or to get drunk with the wrong people. It was like this for a good 4 months, until on Valentine’s Day 2011 I took 8 Xanax’s and went to sleep. Thankfully, my mother found me and took me to the hospital, where I stayed for a week. From that moment on I had to take antidepressants everyday, and that made me forget almost 9 months of my life.

The last story, and the one that still has to be continued, is the one I’m currently living. Right now, I am 22 years old, I am on my 1st year of masters in University, and I have been depressed for more than one year. It comes and goes each week, each month, it can come in waves or all of a sudden, and when it happens I can’t do anything. I can’t read, I can’t write, I can’t sleep. The only escape I have are all the parties and alcohol around me everyday, and all the random hookups and one night stands. This is not who I want to be but I don’t know who I really am. Apart from the depression, all the panic attacks and the anxiety I feel every night when I try to sleep have become part of something bigger: a form of OCD in which I am constantly hearing on my mind “I’m so unhappy”, over and over and over again.

My mental illness has made me who I am today, and has shaped me to overcome difficulties and rely on a better future. Even though right now it seems like I will never find the bright side, maybe one day I will.