My Mental Illness Story

Mental Illness Awareness Week was a few days ago, and reading all the stories made me think that maybe sharing my own story was something that I needed to do.

My story began when I was 12 years old, I was in Middle School, and I had always been a popular and friendly girl. My school was Catholic, so I was used to pray everyday. Everything was going well until this girl, maybe out of jealousy, started bullying me, calling me mean names and turning everyone against me. I started going on such a bad path, I didn’t want to go to school, and the thing I remember the best was that when I prayed, I prayed for things to turn out the other way around. This means that if I wanted to go somewhere, I would pray for not to go. It went on for more than one year, and this was my first experience with depression.

The next chapter, and probably the worst one so far, happened when I was 16 years old. I had been in a relationship for 2 and a half years, my first love, and still to this day the biggest love of my life. We ended things in a bad way, and the fact that I was so young and naive made everything seem even worse. It came to a point where I couldn’t leave my bed for weeks, I would think every night that I didn’t want to wake up the next day, I lost 30 lb and most of my friends. When I would leave the house it would be either to smoke or to get drunk with the wrong people. It was like this for a good 4 months, until on Valentine’s Day 2011 I took 8 Xanax’s and went to sleep. Thankfully, my mother found me and took me to the hospital, where I stayed for a week. From that moment on I had to take antidepressants everyday, and that made me forget almost 9 months of my life.

The last story, and the one that still has to be continued, is the one I’m currently living. Right now, I am 22 years old, I am on my 1st year of masters in University, and I have been depressed for more than one year. It comes and goes each week, each month, it can come in waves or all of a sudden, and when it happens I can’t do anything. I can’t read, I can’t write, I can’t sleep. The only escape I have are all the parties and alcohol around me everyday, and all the random hookups and one night stands. This is not who I want to be but I don’t know who I really am. Apart from the depression, all the panic attacks and the anxiety I feel every night when I try to sleep have become part of something bigger: a form of OCD in which I am constantly hearing on my mind “I’m so unhappy”, over and over and over again.

My mental illness has made me who I am today, and has shaped me to overcome difficulties and rely on a better future. Even though right now it seems like I will never find the bright side, maybe one day I will.

 

 

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We Were Liars by E. Lockhart | Review

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We Were Liars by E. Lockhart
Genre: YA. Contemporary, Mystery
Pages: 225
Format: Hardcover
Source: Goodreads 

“A beautiful and distinguished family.
A private island.
A brilliant, damaged girl; a passionate, political boy.
A group of four friends—the Liars—whose friendship turns destructive.
A revolution. An accident. A secret.
Lies upon lies.True love.The truth.

We Were Liars is a modern, sophisticated suspense novel from National Book Award finalist and Printz Award honoree E. Lockhart.
Read it. And if anyone asks you how it ends, just LIE.”

Rating: starstarstar

Continue reading “We Were Liars by E. Lockhart | Review”

Self-inflicted reading slumps

a readers worst nightmare.

not being able to pick up a book and read because you just can’t, you just can’t read.

This is actually a living hell for avid readers like myself. Usually.
The fact is that, right now, I just found out another form of reading slumps: the self-inflicted ones. This happens when you want to read, you can read, but you don’t want to suffer with the book because you’re so close to the end that you can’t see yourself finishing it.
And this is exactly where I am.
I found a book that I thought would be perfect, a true exemplification of my life and my love in words. I found two characters that made me fall deeply in love with their story. And now I can’t let them go. I have literally 12 pages left on the book but I just CAN’T.
Somebody help me!

July 2010

No hurries. That’s how I want things to work this time. A hug with our noses,  a subtle encounter of lips, rubbing them, feeling them, and then a passionate kiss. Like a real first one should be. After that, he holds me in his arms, and we talk for hours, enjoying every second of this moment that’s only for us.

We are just kids. 15 and 16 years old. Full of everything, of dreams and hopes and feelings. This little world we created seems too good to be true. And that’s why we can’t rush it. We are friends, but friends that exchange soft pecks once in a while, that fall asleep on the phone and that text each other first thing in the morning.

He is constantly asking me “What are we?”. “Don’t worry about that now”, I said while his mouth was trying to take the words away from me, “Live for this moment, don’t rush it and don’t overthink it. Enjoy your life the way you deserve it. And if it’s time, choose me to be the one that makes you happy. Kiss me, feel me, every inch of me, and whisper the words that are only right when they come out of your mouth. But don’t rush it. Do it like we’ve just met one month ago, not like we’ve fallen in love 2 years ago. A new relationship, without prejudice, without pressure, without jealousy. Only love, and time, and commitment. And smiles, loads of those!”.

This is what feels right right now. And you know what? I’m happy. BLISSFULLY HAPPY!

I love you P. Always will.

.

Hello there.

In order to all of you starting to understand the “why” and “how” of the beginning of this new blogging life I’m leading, there are a few things I have to tell you.

1st. I’m a Portuguese/British girl, with a soul way more British than Portuguese (and the humor).

2nd. I’m an exaggeration of life. Everything I do, I overdo it. I read a 400 pages book in less than 7 hours because once I start, I can’t stop. If I go out at night I don’t come back until it’s morning again. If I drink, I drink until the world starts revolving through my eyes. On the other side, if I’m tired, I don’t get out of bed for 3 straight days. If I’m sad, I can cry for more than 2 hours straight. And if I feel something, I feel it with all of me, the same way that if I don’t feel anything, not a single inch of me will pretend to feel it.

3rd. I love reading. And I like writing. I like to think that I’m good at it too, and that’s one of the main reasons I’m here. This is what I want to do, forever. Just read and write about any and everything. But I can’t, and that leads me to the 4th  topic…

4th. I dread my future. I’m studying engineering and I honestly don’t think there is anything else in my life that I would ever hate more. And now you’re asking yourselves “If you hate it that much, why don’t you stop?”. Simple. I have a really big problem in wanting to make everyone happy, apart from me.

5th. I lived in Madrid 6 months last year and it was the best half-year of my life. You think you won’t need to know this, well you’ll figure out it will be pretty handy when you embark on this journey with me.

6th. The title. I almost forgot about the title! Well you’ll see how my life is full of hard choices and how constantly I tend to make the wrong ones. Maybe this is another reason why I’m here, hoping to find some help.

Finally, and if you made it this far, I hope you enjoy looking through my life. I hope you also share your experiences with me.

Thank you for being here. In this beautiful, bold and sad world.

Jo